How to Cope With the Fear of IVF Failure

By Gordon Mullins | Founder of Mindful IVF | Fertility Acupuncturist & Meditation Teacher

Reading time: 7 minutes

There is one question I have heard thousands of times from women going through IVF. Sometimes it’s said out loud. Sometimes it’s hidden behind a different question.

And sometimes I can almost see it sitting there in the room before a patient has even said anything.

“What if it doesn’t work?”

After more than 20 years of supporting women and couples through their IVF fertility treatment, I think this is one of the hardest questions to answer.

Honestly there is no easy answer. Nobody can promise you that IVF will work. And if they do, run a mile from them.

But there is something we can do. We can try to learn how to live alongside that uncertainty.

And that, for me, is where meditation becomes your Hero..

The Fear Doesn’t Go Away, It Just Changes Its Name

One of the strange things about IVF is that we imagine reaching the next milestone will finally allow us to relax.

But then we reach it. And almost immediately another worry appears. And then another and another

At the beginning you might be thinking:

What if I don’t produce enough eggs?

Then you have your scan and there are follicles. Woo Hoo. 

Now your beautiful mind will ask:

What if the eggs aren’t mature?

Egg collection happens. The eggs are mature. Phew…..

And then:

What if they don’t fertilise?

The following morning the clinic calls you and you have beautiful fertilised embryos.

The tears of relief will flow….. And then: on and on and on.

And guess what the issue here is, IMHO, nobody has given you the certainty you need. 

And this is what drives us crazy in our IVF cycles, if we were guaranteed a baby at the end, we wouldn’t worry anymore, well less anyway. 

The Question Beneath All the Other Questions

Underneath all those individual worries is usually something much bigger.

Will I ever actually have my baby?

That’s the real question.

There is hope attached to every follicle, to every embryo, to every phone call from the clinic.

And when something matters this much, of course you’re frightened of losing it.

So I don’t believe the answer is to tell yourself:

“Stop worrying.” Or: “Just stay positive.”

I’ve never particularly liked the pressure we put on those that are going through IVF to remain positive.

You don’t have to be positive every day. You don’t have to pretend you’re not frightened.

And you certainly haven’t failed at IVF because you’re anxious.

In a large UK IVF study involving 604 couples, anxiety about the outcome was the most common negative emotion described. Importantly, the researchers also found that women’s self reported anxiety did not affect their chances of achieving a clinical pregnancy.

So please don’t add another fear: “I’m stressed about being stressed because my stress might stop my IVF working.”

Why Your Mind Keeps Asking “What If?”

Your mind isn’t doing this because there’s something wrong with you. It’s trying to protect you. Think about what IVF asks of you.

You’re emotionally invested in an outcome that you cannot completely control. So the mind attempts to regain control.

And at 2:13 in the morning it suddenly decides that what you really need to know is whether the tiny pulling sensation you felt on the left side of your abdomen is implantation. We’ve all been there in one form or another.

The problem is that eventually you aren’t gathering useful information anymore. You’re searching for certainty. And Google can’t give you that.

This is one of the most important emotional lessons IVF can teach us:

There are things we can control and things we cannot.

Meditation helps us begin to recognise the difference.

What Meditation Can Actually Do During IVF

Meditation cannot guarantee that your IVF cycle will work.

What meditation can do is help change your relationship with the fear and uncertainty you’re experiencing.

Instead of automatically following every frightening thought, we learn to notice it.

There’s a difference. A thought appears: “What if none of my embryos make it?”

Meditation creates a tiny space between the thought and what happens next.

The thought can still appear: But rather than climbing aboard and travelling with it for the next hour, we can recognise:

And then gently return to what is actually happening.

Your breath.

Your body.

This room.

This moment.

IVF Happens in the Future. Your Life Happens Now.

This is probably the biggest reason I believe meditation is so useful during fertility treatment.

IVF constantly pulls you into the future. Tomorrow’s scan. Wednesday’s egg collection. Transfer day. Pregnancy test day.

The mind is always trying to get somewhere.

Meditation brings us back. Not because the future doesn’t matter.

But because this moment matters too.

Try This When “What If It Doesn’t Work?” Appears

The next time you notice yourself disappearing down that familiar IVF rabbit hole, don’t fight the thought.

Try something different. Stop for a moment. Feel where your body is supported.

Your feet on the floor.

Your back against the chair.

Then take one slow, comfortable breath.

Nothing complicated. Notice the breath entering. Notice the breath leaving.

Then quietly acknowledge: “I’m worrying about something that hasn’t happened.”

Another breath. And ask yourself: “Is there anything I need to do about this right now?”

If the answer is yes, do it.

These are things within your control.

But if the answer is no, then perhaps for this moment you can put it down.

You Don’t Need to Stop Being Afraid

This is something I wish more women were told before IVF.

The aim isn’t to eliminate fear.

Meditation offers us another possibility.

Fear can be here and I can still be here too.

I can feel uncertainty without needing to solve it.

I can have a difficult day without deciding my IVF is going to fail.

Two things can be true at the same time.

And If IVF Doesn’t Work?

This is the part people understandably don’t want to talk about.

Because even reading those words can feel frightening.

But meditation isn’t about convincing yourself that everything will turn out exactly as you want.

It’s about discovering that whatever arrives, you can meet it when it arrives.

But until that moment exists, it doesn’t need to occupy every moment you have now

For Today, This Is Enough

If you’re currently going through IVF and your mind keeps asking:

“What if it doesn’t work?” I want you to remember something. You don’t need to know the ending today.

If you’re stimulating, be here.

If you’re waiting for fertilisation results, be here.

If you’re preparing for transfer, be here.

If you’re in the two week wait, be here.

Your mind will travel forward. That’s what minds do.

One stage. One day. One breath at a time.

How Mindful IVF Can Support You

I created Mindful IVF because after years of working with fertility patients, I saw that medical care understandably focuses on the treatment the medications, scans, eggs, embryos and procedures.

But there is another person going through IVF too.

You.

Mindful IVF provides guided meditations created specifically for the different emotional stages of fertility treatment from preparing for IVF and stimulation through egg collection, embryo transfer and the two-week wait.

Not to promise you an outcome.

Not to tell you to “just relax.”

But to give you somewhere to come back to when IVF becomes overwhelming.

Because your fertility clinic can look after your treatment.

Mindful IVF is here to help look after you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal to worry that IVF won’t work?

Yes. Fear about whether treatment will succeed is extremely common during IVF. Research involving IVF patients has found anxiety about the outcome to be one of the predominant negative emotions experienced during treatment.

Can being anxious make my IVF fail?

You should not blame yourself for experiencing anxiety during IVF. In a large UK study of couples undergoing IVF, women’s self-reported state anxiety was not associated with their chances of achieving clinical pregnancy. Research across this area is complex, but there is no justification for making women feel responsible for an unsuccessful cycle simply because they felt anxious or stressed.

Can meditation help with IVF anxiety?

Research into mindfulness based interventions among women experiencing infertility suggests they can help reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression and improve aspects of quality of life. Meditation should be viewed as emotional and wellbeing support alongside fertility treatment, rather than as a treatment that guarantees IVF success.

When should I meditate during IVF?

Meditation can be particularly useful during emotionally difficult periods such as stimulation, before egg collection, while waiting for fertilisation or embryo-development updates, before and after embryo transfer, and during the two-week wait. Even a few minutes can provide an opportunity to stop, reconnect with your breathing and return your attention to the present moment.

Do I need to be positive for IVF to work?

No. You don’t have to maintain a permanently positive mindset during IVF. Feeling frightened, sad, angry or overwhelmed doesn’t mean you’re doing IVF incorrectly. Give yourself permission to be human.

About Gordon Mullins

Gordon Mullins is a fertility acupuncturist, meditation teacher and founder of Mindful IVF. For more than 20 years he has worked with women and couples navigating fertility treatment and IVF.

Mindful IVF was created to provide meditation and emotional wellbeing support throughout the IVF journey.

Medical note: Meditation and Mindful IVF are intended to support emotional wellbeing and are not a substitute for medical or psychological care. Always discuss questions about your IVF treatment with your fertility clinic.